My blog’s purpose is to provide an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I guess it’s a pretty typical blog. By day, I work in an office, by night, I work as a comedian. I want nothing more than to make people laugh and so my goals are set pretty high in that regard: television, movies, radio, books, national tours. I want it all. But, like many comics, the lights go off after the shows over, and we’re left alone. So I write about that.
As for who I am, I think my life is rather ordinary. I don’t like to contrast and compare with others, but it’s natural that we all do. When I began the blog, I felt like I came up short. I must have been near-sighted because whenever I spoke with my friends who were halfway across the world, they would say they envy me. They say I was brave and courageous for living in another country, away from home, my family, friends and the safe cocoon from which I was supposed to emerge a butterfly, but somehow I still felt as awkward as I did when I was fourteen years old and most other girls all had boobs and there I was, still training my practically concave chest to accept the foreign institution of a bra. My concave chest didn’t really care, but my ego sure did. It certainly didn’t help being made fun of in 9th grade English class in front of friends, both male and female. What did help was running into the guy who made fun of me years later on one of my especially attractive days and reminding him that he had made fun of me and I hadn’t forgotten, and oh you didn’t grow much past 5’6 did you? Isn’t that interesting? This is actually an experience I’ve had not once, but thrice, and it’s actually quite satisfying every time.
I thought by the time I was 29, I would be less concerned with what people in high school thought about me physically and more impressed with everything I’ve done with myself. Except I haven’t made much of myself, have I? I graduated from college, worked on a Master’s that I didn’t finish, coached cheerleading for nine years, and worked as a high school English teacher, journalism advisor, and activities director before I moved to Israel. This is the part where my friends think I have courage. I’m not sure it took a lot of courage to get up, make tea and watch 10 episodes of MASH in a row. But, there were times when I felt a lot of pressure to simply make it through a dinner. Even though I was living in a place where for the first year I thought was truly magnificent, even magical, the fairy dust settled, and it seemed ground into my living room floor, which I could never keep clean no matter how often I swept, which truth be told was not very often because it’s tedious and I know the dirt just seeps through the sixty-year-old floor, so why bother?
But standing back from my life, I realized that it really is not ordinary at all. I have accomplished many of my goals that I set out for myself when I was first entering college, and again when I was finishing. But, life isn’t just about setting goals and accomplishing them, although it’s a satisfying feeling that one can find in the mundane and in the extraordinary.
The magic of life is when you can mix the mundane and the extraordinary.
So who am I now? That’s a journey to be discovered in and of itself. I’m 30. I work in a new field. I am living in the United States again. I’m recently divorced. I am a comedienne. I speak a second language. I am currently without pet. I have a new apartment with an old friend. I’m getting back into the physical shape I was in at 27. I’m better read. I bake. I cook Indian food. I don’t apologize for my opinions or tiptoe around others’ feelings; I simply tread more lightly. I can be very still. My values have changed.
Throughout my 20’s, shifting goals dictated where I was going. At the halfway point, I decided to make a change. Never before had I considered leaving my hometown. I worked at the high school I graduated from and there had never been an option to leave. First of all, I didn’t know how I could leave my mother behind. I wasn’t sure she could survive without me. Of course, there I was more than 10,000 miles away and we both did just fine. But, we missed each other. For me, there will never be an age where I can’t snuggle with my mommy; even when the day comes that I’m holding her in my arms. I have a special relationship with my mother and she was the first reason I was sure I would never leave home. But, the winds changed and I ended up in Long Beach which led me to a nightmarish job, which led me to Israel, the holy land, a place of solitude and peace(despite what you might think of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Israel is not constantly at war, nor is it just sand and camels). And then I got married. But it was awful. I chose so well, he is a genuinely wonderful human. But, I think we both made the mistake of marrying someone for what they represented and not for who they are. Then, with his help, I got the courage to leave. I left on my own. My perceptions of Israel before living here may have been distorted slightly, but I came to find myself again.
I had been looking for three years.
What I wanted, who I wanted and what I wanted to be: somehow they all co-mingle. I think these are questions we ask ourselves, if not on a daily basis, often enough that the answers are often the keys to our happiness. If we know what we want and we are getting it, we are happy. If we don’t know what we want, how can we be happy and if we know what we want, but aren’t getting, we aren’t happy. Unfortunately, this formula isn’t and can’t be the basis for our happiness. We have to discover a way to navigate the waters of happiness so that we’re always sailing, but not necessarily toward a goal, but rather that the sailing is the goal. This is my attempt; this is what I’m trying to do. I want to understand who I am in relationship to happiness; I want to extend what I believe to other women who are looking for the same answers. I want to create a dialogue with people who have the same questions that I do and are having the same experiences.
All of our troubles are not the same, nor are our needs, but basically at the core, are we all not trying to find what bit of happiness we can?
I post often. Read them. If you like them, subscribe to my list. If you disagree, tell me. If you have another idea, tell me. If you think it’s great, tell me. If you think you might want to see me do some stand-up, send me an email and I’ll add you to a mailing list. Look around…there is so much more to come.