Banking on Luck; No Funds Available

I’m not sure how the world works. I have ideas about it. Some are based on religion. Some are based on gut-instinct. But to sum it up, I think that what you do comes back to you, whatever it is.

I’m not sure how good I’ve been. In fact, I think I’ve been living as if I wasn’t going to need any good karma. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. Maybe not. The point is, now there is something I want. And I haven’t wanted anything like this in a long time. But I’m pretty sure my karma bank is empty. And if I had the power to direct my luck anywhere, I’d point it at my career. I made a little bargain with God, that I’m not sure if he agreed to because I probably don’t listen very well, but I said that I’d be willing to forgo love, forever, if I could be really good and successful at entertainment. Not everybody is meant to have everything, so at least I’ll be successful. Love doesn’t ever seem to work out.

But, another thing I believe in is the power of jinx. It’s ridiculous because it’s believing in superstition. But I’ve always had this gnawing in the back of my mind that if I get too excited about something, it won’t happen. I’ve always prepared myself for the worst so that when the worst happens, I’m not surprised. And when the worst doesn’t happen, my joy is doubled with relief. It’s no way to live, I’m aware. But, it’s also not like I’m Harry Burns reading the last page of a book so that if I die before I finish the book I’ll know how it ends.

But it’s just this little…”why should I get to be happy?” And without one drop of “woe is me”, and a finger pointing at my divorce, I feel like my superstitions have been fulfilled, so I’m only strengthened in my completely unfounded belief that what I’ve done up to this point isn’t enough for me to deserve something good, and it’s a much wiser path to expect happiness from success, from something I have a little bit of control in, than in love, which is left up to some power far beyond my understanding.

Everyone else seems to be able to do it so easily.

Why can’t I?