Enough with That

A few songs to set the tone of this post: Disappointment by the Cranberries and Fallen by Sarah McLachlan.

I put really high expectations on getting a new apartment. I know it’s only been a few days, but I really believed that when I had all my things back, that somehow I would find myself again, as if my life had been in that Garden Grove storage for three years in a box next to my couch. The highlight of the entire experience is hands down my bed. I hadn’t slept in a good bed consistently for over three years. My bed has a pillow top and it is beyond wonderful. I’m sleeping well and I feel so much better. But, I haven’t returned. Maybe it’s a slower process than I thought. Really, I just felt a lot of anxiety because I own so much stuff. After more than three years of temporary living, I’d gotten used to not possessing a lot of things, and used to being able to get my possessions into a few suitcases or my car. I just want to get rid of half the stuff. I don’t need decorative items or two sets of dishes. I don’t need 10 mugs. I don’t need DVD or CD cases. All these possessions suddenly feel like a burden. So, I’m slowly going through everything and just throwing things away or putting them in the donation box.

My job at work is changing, which is another great disappointment to me. I don’t feel like giving many details, and I don’t have many anyways. But, I was really loving my job at work and with a new position, I’m not sure that I will love it anymore. I also feel like it’s something personal, and that something other than what I’ve been told is the motivating factor behind the move. I’m going to do what I always do, which is put my head down and keep going, but this time I kind of feel like I need to shine. There’s a part of me that feels like they doubt what I am capable of, and it’s been too long since someone tried to pull that shit with me and I stood up to them. At least the fighter in me has returned.

I think a lot about my divorce, and it seems to dominate a lot of conversations that I have. I’m pretty sure I’m mostly disappointed in myself, for making such a big mistake. So other disappointments, which might otherwise be taken in stride, scrape a deeper wound. I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of thinking about it and I want it to be something in my past. But everyday I get up and I feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Disappointment and shame reign high on that list. I’d say hungover comes in third. I just have trouble getting over the fact that I made such a big mistake, which had such long-lasting consequences. It could be worse, but that doesn’t make me feel better. At least I didn’t have kids, is what everyone tells me and I think, I probably will never have them, so that’s not much of a consolation. I’m not the only person who has been divorced, but I am the only person who has to live inside my head and think what I think, feel what I feel. I don’t trust myself to make a good decision and I know that if I’m hardest on myself, no one else can be.

I’m also disappointed that I don’t think Susanna is ever really going to come back. I imagine at some point I will eventually feel like I’m a better version of myself moreso than I have ever been. I keep thinking that G-d has taken a very roundabout way to teach me a lesson and to shape me. At the beginning of the day and the end of the night, I’ve got the word gratitude on my lips. I may be disappointed in many things, but I am grateful for far more. Also, I don’t want to be a constant Debbie Downer so while others look at me and think, “The girl is back! She’s good! She’s in the right place!” – I just try not to disappoint them.

All that being said, I’m not going to lower my expectations and I’m not giving up. I’m regrouping, refocusing and getting back to what I want and need. But, bearing one’s happy soul isn’t that much of a challenge, nor do I find it particularly cathartic. So forgive me my melancholic lamentations, but understand that if this is your only route of access to me, you’re missing quite the jovial being and know that I absolutely exist in a duality of forms, which is ok with me. I’m deep! I’m thoughtful! I watch documentaries and speak intelligently on them! I laugh when people fart! I hate smug people, but I love being smug! I will drive out of my way to get a good tri-tip sandwich! I’ll skip dessert in favor of another glass of wine! I love and respect my parents and in that I realize I’m one of the luckier beings on earth! There’s just so much to a person that can’t be described, that can only be experienced and I would just hate for anyone to read my blog and think this is all there is to me. I don’t walk around moping all day, but if I don’t get this out, I’ll implode, so I write about how I feel and I do so unapologetically.

And now the song for the rest of the day: Matthew Wilder – Break my Stride because really at the end of every day, sometimes I feel like each step is an effort and sometimes I feel like I am running so fast, nothing can stop me, because ultimately this is the life I want, for now. Tomorrow will be something different and I’ll worry about that when I get there. I just owe it to myself to stop finding reasons to disappoint myself.

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3 thoughts on “Enough with That

  1. I wish I could talk you into being gentler with yourself. I know I can’t, but I wish it anyway. Susanna, people make mistakes, and it’s ok. It’s more than ok, it is part of what makes us human, and it is how we grow and become closer to our authentic selves. If you are not making mistakes, you are stagnating. Try to remember that you made the absolute best choices you could with the skills, knowledge, and tools you had at that time, and let yourself off the hook a little. Maybe you would choose differently today, but today you have new skills and knowledge and tools…. largely as a result of learning from mistakes!

    • I also wish I could be gentler with myself, but it’s just not my way and I don’t regret the mistakes, necessarily because it led me here. BUT, I’m very affected by it. (shrugs shoulders) Mah ani yichola la’asot? *What Can I Do?*

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