It’s been almost 5 months since I left my husband. We are still technically married, although living separate lives. We have spoken briefly, but kindly, about 3 or 4 times. What’s new and what’s different is me. I’ve discovered a few things about myself which are novel, and surprising, if only to myself.
To begin with, I’m happy again. I’m happy in a way that I haven’t been since I was 25 years old. I feel like I’m settling into who I am, because it is different from who I was a year ago, two years ago, before I went to Israel. I know my happiness stems from being able to take care of myself because I have a new job. I was thinking about this yesterday, though. I’m not deriving my value or worth from my job, which might make me feel even better, because I feel relatively successful at what I do. But, I’m still deriving my validation from comedy. And I’m over caring about it. When I do well and people laugh, I feel good. When I do poorly and people ignore me and I hear crickets, I feel crappy. There it is. I’m comfortable there.
I am considering the idea of a relationship again. Huge news. I guess I just kind of miss being in love. I wasn’t in love and I haven’t been in years. That was hard to accept, but I have and I have moved on. But I really like the idea of being in love with a guy I love being with. So I might be looking for that. But, not too hard, because as I often say, I shouldn’t have a boyfriend when I still have a husband. That’s real, and I’m putting it out into the world. So judge if you must, but there it is. No one ever faulted me for holding back. The opposite, actually, is quite true.
Thirdly, I am working on accepting those who don’t accept me. Divorce makes people uncomfortable for a few reasons, I believe. I think if a person is insecure in their own marriage, another’s divorce will feel like a challenge. I know some people look down on me because I “gave up” and I turned my back on my husband and the promise I made to God. I, however, refuse to believe in a God who wants me to be married because I *promised* I would, more than He wants His child to be happy. So, that’s the choice I made and some people don’t like it. Some people feel superior to me. I’m getting very close to the point where I don’t care, where I won’t try to repair that relationship and I won’t think about that loss anymore.
For the last two years of my twenties, I wasn’t living. I lamented consistently that I missed who I was, I missed my life. I’m getting there again. I’m not the same person as I was. In my twenties, I lived according to societal standards and I did what I believed was expected of me. In my thirties, I’m not doing that. I’m doing what I think is right and what I believe is right for me according to the values I follow. I’m working hard to shove four years into the next two years. I sleep less, but I’m living…really living and I am loving it.
I cry less. I still feel. But there is so much joy boiling up inside.