I started to write a joke about embarrassment and I thought it sounded less like a joke, and more like a blog post. I overshare because I want people to like me. It’s ironic, because the thing I do to reach my desired goal is the exac tthing which keeps me from reaching it. I sense someone likes me so I want them to like me more so I tell them more stories in the hopes that I will strengthen their positive feelings.
I also feel like I tend to fall over that line quite dramatically by sharing too much. And then, there we are. I’m that girl.
The problem is that my life is mostly an open book and I rarely feel ashamed about what I do because I try to act in ways that I am comfortable with. Naturally, some exceptions may apply.
When I do something embarrassing, I tell everyone, which is contrary to the concept of embarrassment. Usually people want to hide when they do something embarrassing. I call people and tell them. It will eat me up inside if I try to hold it in. I have done so many embarrassing things that don’t bother me anymore because if I can laugh at them with others, then the power of embarrassment is gone. That being said, it’s hard to be ashamed all the time if everything I do is out there. And, because I’m not ashamed of who I am and what I do, I always say too much.
Discretion: a skill I need.
I am terrible with making first impressions of other people. I’m cynical and yet when I meet someone for the first time, I fool myself into believing that they have the best intentions, because I have good intentions towards others. I have taken Abraham Lincoln’s words to heart: ““If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” So I don’t. And because of that I have often been burned by people I expected to trust simply because they had given me no reason not to. I just don’t want to live the kind of life where I think people are out to get me or forcing others to earn my trust, even though might not be an awful idea.
This is a challenge especially with men. Occasionally I can read the creep in a dude, but he has to be laying it on pretty thick. Especially in Southern California where there are so many people out here willing to step on anyone to get what they want, I should be HYPER-VIGILANT, and yet, I’m not. I have had my little heart broken and rebroken too many times to count when I’ve been let down by what I had hoped would be. This isn’t necessarily in reference to a romantic relationship, although those disappointments certainly happen frequently enough.
Suspending my Disbelief: A skill I need.
I spent almost 3 years of my life stagnantly. It’s not that I want the next three years to fly by, I just want to fill them with purpose, drive, success and life. So when I have to wait for anything to happen (like feeling that I have a successful comedy career), I get discouraged. I am also struggling with enjoying the moment. The feeling of missing out is so engrained that if I’m not in the middle of something, I realize that I’m on the outside. I like being busy. I like being overwhelmed. I like needing to breath. I like putting my head on my pillow and feeling so exhausted that I don’t remember anything else.
Patience: A skill I need.
I know that identifying what I need to learn to do will help me do it. Committing to the change…that’s another story. Maybe just the one change at a time…