Just because I’m mid-divorce doesn’t mean that if you talk to me, your marriage will suddenly start to have problems any more than having a gay friend will make you gay. And feel free to give me all your self-righteous drivel about how I made a commitment before God and all my friends that I would love my husband for the rest of my life. Guess what? I made a mistake. Life didn’t come with instructions. Toss that stone lightly glass house dweller. I didn’t choose well.
I continue to make poor choices, but I’m working on it. I’m saddened and disappointed at how many of my married friends don’t know how to stand by me. I am not asking you for a solution; you don’t have to find the right words to make me feel better, because those words don’t exist. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t kill you to just be there, or return a phone call or a text message.
Naturally, when one of these friends needs me, I’ll be there, because that’s the type of friend that I am. As if going through a divorce isn’t lonely enough, being abandoned by friends really tops it off nicely. I’m blessed, but I can’t say I’m surprised at the friends who have stuck around and loved me for being me, the same person I’ve always been, except now I have to circle D after my name on all documents. I am surprised, though, at the ones who have become so distant.
Maybe it’s a newer me, maybe it’s the cynical comic taking over my soul, but I had to say something. I don’t think this is selfishness; it’s a reflection on the relationships I have in my life with people who are uncomfortable with my decisions. Apparently this last thing I’ve done is all that matters, and everything that came before, all the reasons you were my friend in the first place don’t matter. I always talk about how Fresno makes the greatest people, how much I love my hometown, how many good and close friends I have.
But now, I don’t want to come home anymore. It’s a reminder of who I was, who I can’t be again. Anyway, I don’t think I want to be her. She did was she was supposed to. She didn’t follow her dreams. She gave into what she thought she had to do.
I’m not her anymore.