Divorce is not Contagious

Just because I’m mid-divorce doesn’t mean that if you talk to me, your marriage will suddenly start to have problems any more than having a gay friend will make you gay. And feel free to give me all your self-righteous drivel about how I made a commitment before God and all my friends that I would love my husband for the rest of my life. Guess what? I made a mistake. Life didn’t come with instructions. Toss that stone lightly glass house dweller. I didn’t choose well.

I continue to make poor choices, but I’m working on it. I’m saddened and disappointed at how many of my married friends don’t know how to stand by me. I am not asking you for a solution; you don’t have to find the right words to make me feel better, because those words don’t exist. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t kill you to just be there, or return a phone call or a text message.

Naturally, when one of these friends needs me, I’ll be there, because that’s the type of friend that I am. As if going through a divorce isn’t lonely enough, being abandoned by friends really tops it off nicely. I’m blessed, but I can’t say I’m surprised at the friends who have stuck around and loved me for being me, the same person I’ve always been, except now I have to circle D after my name on all documents. I am surprised, though, at the ones who have become so distant.

Maybe it’s a newer me, maybe it’s the cynical comic taking over my soul, but I had to say something. I don’t think this is selfishness; it’s a reflection on the relationships I have in my life with people who are uncomfortable with my decisions. Apparently this last thing I’ve done is all that matters, and everything that came before, all the reasons you were my friend in the first place don’t matter. I always talk about how Fresno makes the greatest people, how much I love my hometown, how many good and close friends I have.

 

But now, I don’t want to come home anymore. It’s a reminder of who I was, who I can’t be again. Anyway, I don’t think I want to be her. She did was she was supposed to. She didn’t follow her dreams. She gave into what she thought she had to do.

I’m not her anymore.

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5 thoughts on “Divorce is not Contagious

  1. Susanna, been there. Be prepared to lose all of your married friends. I did. Even my very best friend. Don’t be to hard on yourself, either. The best advice I ever got from anyone going through a divorce, was, “don’t look back.” You’ll come out ok on the other side. Don’t worry.

  2. I completely disagree with the comment that something’s wrong with our generation. Many of us look at the marriages that lasted years and think wow, but we don’t look further inside. Some of those have been filled with years of laughter, conversation, and happiness. Others have lasted merely for the fear of divorce, the fear to pursue what will truly make us happy, the fear to be alone again. I am not denying the for some, divorce was the easiest way out, but for those who knew it would not lead to happiness, cheers to you for doing something for yourself, for your future kids and for your ex.

  3. Try to remember that this is not about you… as much as it hurts, and as much as it feels like their distance is a judgement of you, or a commentary on your choices…it’s not. Those people who have distanced themselves have done so because of something in their lives..a problem… a lack…an insecurity. Your situation, your mistakes, your choices may remind them of their own mistakes, or bring them face to face with their own insecurities. Perhaps facing those things is so difficult for them that to protect themselves from dealing they step back from you. Keeping that in mind probably won’t make the loss of friendships hurt less, but maybe it will help you be gentler with yourself or not take their poor behavior towards you as personally. I love you!

  4. Thank you all for your comments. I know the true and good friends will stick by me. I might just have to make others a little more uncomfortable as I find out why they’re pulling away. If I’m changing, ok…but all my friends don’t think I’m different. I mean, I AM different, but at the core, I’m still the same girl.

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