I guess a year ago, I imagined today would be different.
But, I guess I need to be happy about this because it is what I’ve chosen. And I am happy(er).
I want to thank my ex-husband, Ben, for letting me go. If he had told me to stay, I would have.
He knew how unhappy I was and he wanted me to be happy again. He recognized that we weren’t good together, and he put his pride aside to let me go. I am so grateful to him for that. I know he won’t be single long because he is an absolute catch and the right woman will make him very happy. I’m sorry that it wasn’t me.
I’m not sure how this day will end up. I’m not sure if my feelings of sadness and guilt will overwhelm me or if I’ll feel satisfied that I took a risk that I knew would bring both of us to a better place, even though the haul has been difficult. Will it be a celebration of sorts, or a day to dread?
When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll know. I hope I carry myself with grace, keep my cool and emerge feeling proud of where I am today, even though most days I feel the weight of guilt on my shoulders. I hope I don’t lose it and cry at some inappropriate time(which I have done at least three times in front of people who were not, at the time, close friends).
I know I am not the only person who deals with this. I know that it doesn’t take a divorce to struggle through anniversaries of events. I know there are others who feel alone in their quest, or feel judged by others. I wish we could all forgive ourselves, and others. I wish we could celebrate instead of mourn our choices or the paths we’ve been on. I wish we could lean on others without feeling like a burden, because we’ve allowed them at one point or another to lean on us. I wish we could move through grief and struggle with understanding. Misery does not love company. But this path will turn, one day.
I will toast my ex-husband today, his future and his happiness, because he has allowed me to pursue mine.