Note to readers: I wrote this a few weeks ago, but couldn’t publish it because it was too raw for me to admit. Since I’ve (at least momentarily) overcome it, I feel like I can share it because I think that there are other people who feel this way right now and if I can help someone by showing raw feelings and making them feel less alone, then I need to do that. So here it is:
Not all Coldplay music makes me feel bad, but that first album really socks me in the gut.
I’m sitting here listening to it and feeling awful. I’m thinking about where my life is, what I expected out of myself, who I was supposed to be and I’m looking around thinking: what? How did you end up here? Part of me feels pathetic, the other part feels really happy to be anywhere, but where I was.
I both know and don’t know why I feel bad.
Part of the way we feel can’t be controlled, because if we could control our feelings, we’d be awesome Vulcans. Vulcans are not controlled by their feelings and so they can always make rational decisions. The downside of that is if you never feel bad, you never feel good. I know that hurting has a counterpart, so I accept that we are merely humans. Part of the way we feel should be able to be rationalized and once understood, put away. I think there are actually people who can either ignore how they feel or suppress it.
I cannot do that. My feelings well up and take me over. I am thoroughly controlled by them and it makes me feel weak, helpless, stupid and frustrated. If someone is mean to me or doesn’t respond to me the way I hope or expect, I get so far up in my head thinking about what I did to cause them to act how they do that I can’t see the proverbial forest for the trees. It’s likely that how another person is acting has absolutely nothing to do with me, simply because the world doesn’t revolve around me and whatever is going on in his or her life is manifesting in his or her treatment of me, or my perceived treatment. So I know this, but I can’t change how I feel.
Sometimes I feel really bad. Sometimes I feel really good. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing anything worthwhile and there isn’t anything that can change that. Sometimes I feel like I’m out there nailing the world to the wall and just killing it. I know it’s silly and unreasonable, but I want to feel that way all the time. I just don’t.
It’s like a watered down version of being bi-polar.
I woke up SO happy today because I had a big success last night. I figured that would take me pretty far for awhile in the feelings department. It’s 11:15 pm and I feel crushed. My heart actually hurts. I “know” why I feel this way and I’m angry that I let something so insignificant bother me. I know that I’m letting at least one very silly thing have a lot of control over how I feel about myself, my life and my day. I want to stop feeling this way. But, I am filled with emotion constantly.
The hope of feeling good all the time builds my expectations up to dangerous levels because the crash is so violent when I don’t feel good.
I need to learn how to not hang my entire being on one thing, to enjoy all the good things more fully, to relax, not to worry about details, to accept inevitability of life. I think this is a problem many women have. We get caught up on one thing or one person and we let all that collapse upon us. It’s exhausting, not to mention stupid. I wish I could out think my heart. I wish I didn’t allow my mood to depend upon something I can’t control. I wish I didn’t feel so much, all the time.
I feel much better. Much much better. If the middle part of this post is something that you identify with, and are currently suffering, know that there are ebbs and tides in life and very soon will be the time for you to reach out into the sand and ripple beautifully across the sand, making your mark. In the same vein, you will again experience the disappointment of recceeding into the ocean and becoming part of a larger, confused mass. It’s just the way life is. Accept it, and keep going with the flow.