I went to services on last Friday night with my friend Becca. I enjoy going to services with her. She introduced me to some very sweet people. I saw six people I had met while living in Orange County and even met up with one of them for a drink after the Oneg Mixer.
But, while I enjoyed parts of the evening, the services brought out something in me that doesn’t feel good.
I’m not sure that this is the life God intended me to live. I’m happier, at parts, but I just don’t know what he intended for me. On one hand, I’m so happy that I hope this is what he wanted. On the other hand, I know I violated the promise I made to him and to my husband that the bond we were forming was going to be one that lasted forever. It was the first time since the day I left Ben that I felt guilt. I wouldn’t go back and change what I did, but I want to feel at peace with it.
What about the services made me feel unworthy?
It was the people who looked so genuinely happy praising God. It’s not that I can’t praise God with a happy and honest heart; I feel more blessed in this time in my life than any other. It’s that I know I’m missing something. What I had is replaced by fear that I won’t ever have it again. I hope that should my fate be to spend the rest of my life in solitude that I remember that I am happier being alone that lonely with someone else by my side. We would have made each other very unhappy and I know it’s better off this way. But, the fear lingers…