Hold Me Down

You know how some songs remind you of a time or place? You’re immediately transported back to that space, and your heart reacts whether it was a happy moment, a painful memory, a sad time or a joyous occasion. When Too Close by Next comes on, I’m in a red dress again at junior prom dancing with the cutest guy on the track team.

Incubus’ “Hold Me Down” used to make me cry when living in Israel. It’s even hard to listen to now.

“I’m not afraid to leave this goddamn town. I’ve had enough. God, I won’t look back. I walk awhile along the railroad track. I’m obliged to you babe, but this place you see is trying to hold me down. I want more than you can offer. I am off to anywhere but here. I keep walking so nobody can hold me down.”

It was hard to listen to because I identified with it too much. I had to get out. I’d had enough. I felt obliged, that really is the exact word, but I was being held down, made myself physically ill and nothing but my absolute freedom was going to fix me. I wanted more than he could offer. “I am tired of all the ifs and whens”. I had to go anywhere, but without him.

“It’s too much to live down.” I simply could not beat it. And I don’t think I was meant to. I know there are others who are divorced or considering it who read my blogs. I know there are those who are happily married who are sad because they can’t fathom how it would feel to have to live and be married to someone you aren’t in love with. I believe there are those who read my blog and judge me for being weak, which is stupid because I do that enough for everyone. I know I gave up. I know I chose myself over my commitment. I know I disappointed people. I just couldn’t live one more day with the burden of being held down.

Those who know me really well keep telling me that they see the old Susanna. I feel her. I missed her so much. I used to cry to my ex-husband weekly about how much I missed who I used to be, how much I missed my old life. I was in mourning.

The funeral shroud has come off. My Dad told me he hadn’t heard me this happy in a really long time. Apparently, even my tone is bursting with joy.

I feel like no one could hold me down. I feel unstoppable, and I know these feelings will fade when I encounter failure, embarrassment, uncertainty, shame and other causes of struggle. But right now, I feel like I’m finally coming into my own. I am jobless, sleeping on an air mattress, counting the few dollars I have and living off handouts from my parents.

It’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life.

That, my friends, is happy.

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12 thoughts on “Hold Me Down

  1. LOVE THIS! and love you! soo sooo happy for you. We all crave joy & i can see that light of joy in you again. glad you’re back. xoxo

  2. This is just the beginning for you. It does not matter if you have a job or money or a place to live…handouts or none… What really matters is that you have made a massive value statement to live your life in honesty. Congratulations for taking a huge leap of faith and trusting yourself to make everything else come together.

    • Thank you so much. It’s….frustrating, to say the least, and apparently I’m hitting a rough patch, and I’m not sure why. But, I’m muddling through….

  3. You deserve happiness! I am glad you’re starting to feel like your old self…catching up on your posts, loving them thanks for all the wisdom you carry along with you.

    • Yes! I think so. My days are like a hot air balloon ride. Some days it’s like the beginning part when you’re soaring up, up, up. Other days it’s like the end where the bottom of the basket is dragging across the ground. Feh. Today is a landing kind of a day.

  4. I just dont understand? You chose to marry this man, and then you realized you never loved him? I dont know what that says about you, but I’m sure the guy is devastated to know that his ex-wife is seeking praise through social medians about how unhappy she was as a married woman.

    • Thank you for your response, though it is fraught with condescension and judgment.

      I think what my mistake says about me is that I’m human, I made a mistake and I take the blame instead of placing it elsewhere. I screwed up and I admitted it.

      My ex-husband is not devastated. It was a mutual decision and we are still quite friendly, wishing each other the best.

      I am not seeking praise, but I do take pride in the fact that when others are hurting and exposing their wounds to the world I don’t spit on them with my capricious comments.

      Whatever is bothering you about what I wrote is a reflection on you, not on me.

      • Thank you for the response. I now understand better why your ex-husband is not devastated by the fact that you left him.

      • And yet I’m still confused why you feel a need to comment negatively on the blog of someone you don’t know and your opinion is ill-informed. If you don’t like the channel, change it. You don’t like what I write about, how I write or who I am, don’t come to my blog

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